TITLE: A Bear Started It, part 1
AUTHOR: Meghan O'Connor
EMAIL: gyrfalcon@yahoo.com
FEEDBACK: Please! The more I get, the more you get!
RATING: PG-13
DISCLAIMER: Mulder, Scully, Skinner, Byers, Langly, and Frohike are
1013's. However, Rachel Ann MacGregor is all mine. Song by Leann
Rimes, all rights reserved etc. etc.
SPOILERS: The X-Files, all up to the last season finale, and the LGM
series.
CATEGORY: Post-Colonization, LGM/other
SYNOPSIS: Looking back on one woman's life
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ya'll wanted more in the series, so here you go. Just
how did Rachel get the courage to tell them she loved them all?
I always hated the silence when they went hunting. I know it made
more sense that they all carry back as much as possible, but I could
never stand the quiet of the house during that time. At the time, I
thought I was just afraid of someone coming when I was alone.
Looking back, I realize it was more of a fear that they wouldn't come
back. I couldn't have borne it if they hadn't returned, food in
their arms or not.
Frohike did the best shooting, using his skills from Vietnam. He
never did tell me about that time, but I know he never slept well
after going out and shooting a rifle for a week straight. But he
almost always bagged us enough to keep hunger away. When the pond
wasn't iced over, Langly and Byers would go fishing. I admit, I
remained squeamish. No amount of need brought me close to fish
guts. I was more than willing to help cook and clean if I didn't
have to skin anything. I used to think the things my mother taught
me were useless. Cooking, sewing, gardening, they all came in handy
when it was necessary.
It was barely midway through fall when their hunting trip ended
abruptly. I expected them to be gone a week, but they returned after
three days. Bruised and battered and exhausted, and I was sick with
worry. I helped Byers put the meat in the deep freeze, then attended
to their hurts as they told me about the bear. Apparently, as they
were bringing back the deer, they accidentally disturbed a black bear
at his autumn forage. Normally, the bear would have avoided them,
but I guess he felt cornered or the smell of blood upset him. Langly
was scratched down his ribs. I cleaned the wounds extremely
meticulously, as I remembered something about how dirty bear claws
can be. Byers had bruises, and Frohike was dizzy where the bear had
clocked him against a tree. It felt good to sit on that bear rug in
front of the fire later, but I digress. I got them all fixed up and
started dinner. It wasn't until we were cleaning up that it hit me.
We took our dishes in the kitchen and I rinsed them for later. I
suggested that Langly boost the power on our walkie-talkies so they
could take them next time. Frohike was stunned they hadn't thought
of it before. Byers just mentioned softly how they spoke on the way
back about how afraid they were of leaving me alone. Suddenly, my
heart was racing and I couldn't breathe. All I could think about was
how close I came to losing them. My mind was filled with horrible
visions of them torn and bleeding on a patch of snow. I'd never
thought about a threat other than human. We were so concerned with
the fate of people and aliens that we never thought of accidents or
illness. I excused myself and went to my room to lay down. I must
have stared at the ceiling for hours, my mind whirling. The last
coherent thought before I exhaustedly slipped away was that I had
better tell them before anything else happened.
Being tired and hurting, the guys weren't all up as early as I was.
Byers was the first, around 10am, then Langly about noon, and Mel an
hour later. I fixed us a late lunch, and we reached an unspoken
agreement to share one of the bottles of wine from the cellar. I
asked the guys to all come into the living room so we could talk.
Looking back, I have to laugh. They'd all had the experience that
when a woman says we need to talk, it's either bad news or they're
being dumped. So the look of nervousness and apprehension was
understandable. I decided to just jump into it, as they deserved
nothing less than complete honesty. Of course, I did ask first not
to be interrupted, as I knew Langly might.
"I had a revelation last night. We have always been so worried about
danger coming from humans or aliens that we never thought about being
separated due to illness or injury. Thank the gods that your came
back safely yesterday, because I couldn't have done anything about it
if you hadn't." They shifted nervously, but didn't interrupt. "I
could only think about how close I came to losing you. We can be as
careful as possible, but nothing is set in stone. Nothing except for
one thing I just realized." Byers looked at me concernedly. Langly
looked confused, but I think Mel was realizing where I was going with
this. "I love you." I held up my hands as they leaned forward,
cutting off anything they would say. "Let me say this. I've known
you three for six years now. I trust each of you equally with my
life, and we've been the best of friends through trying times. I
don't believe our isolation is making me say this, but I may not have
had the courage to do so if we weren't all alone up here. But we
don't know what each day will bring, so I don't believe in wasting a
moment of them." I made sure to look at each one of them straight in
the eye. I had to make them understand this. "I love each of you.
I know that may be hard to wrap your minds around, but I can't
imagine being without any one of you. You're each so very different,
but we function as one. I'm also not talking about the love of a
friend or a sister in any way." I knew I must be blushing a
little. "I love you as a woman loves a man. You three are the
reason I get up every day. You three are the light in my eyes, the
laughter in my throat." I made sure to make eye contact again with
each one in turn. "Melvin, I love you. John, I love you. Richard,
I love you. I leave each of you in your own time to decide what, if
anything, you want to do about that, but it won't change how I
feel." I fell silent then. What else could I say.
Byers cleared his throat nervously. His voice was choked with
emotion as he spoke. "I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I
think whatever happens, should happen slowly. As you say, we don't
know what the future will be, and we shouldn't do anything we could
end up regretting." Langly and Frohike nodded in agreement.
"I think that's perfectly acceptable." I tried to lighten the mood a
little with a joke. "Besides, I'm not that easy. It takes at least
three dates." Byers and Langly snickered. Frohike just crossed his
arms defensively. I looked at him. "What's wrong, Frohike?" He was
trying to cover his discomfort with gruffness. That's my bear.
He was quiet for a moment. "I'm old enough to be your father." It
struck me what he was really trying to get across. He hadn't had a
relationship in many years, he'd only had magazines and not-Mulder's
videos for so long. He didn't think he was loveable anymore and
worried about not being able to compete with two young guys.
Glancing at Byers and Langly, I knew they understood as well. I got
up and went over to his chair. Kneeling in front of him, I placed my
hands on his knees and leaned close.
"But you're not my father. I had a father, that's not what I want.
There is no competing here, Mel. I didn't fall in love because of
your age, or in spite of it. You all deserve my honesty. You
present this image of a lecherous grumpy old man, but I know better.
I know what it feels like to have someone smile at me as they
gallantly hold my chair at dinner. I love your honest laughter at a
good joke. I love the protective man who almost growled at the 7-11
clerk that came on to me once on an ice cream run. I love the man
who cared enough to take flowers to Scully in the hospital when no
one else did. I love the warm enveloping arms that held me when I
cried after my cat died. Take your time in coming to terms with what
I've said, Melvin Frohike, but remember I love you." I could swear I
almost saw tears behind those lenses. I knew it would take some time
to reassure him that I didn't care how old he was. I'd let him know
later that I also wanted to know what those leather gloves felt like
on my skin. He reached for his wine glass as I rose and sat beside
Byers on the couch.
My heavens, Byers was blushing. I took his hand in mine and
interlaced our fingers. It was warm and comfortable and felt so
right. I knew I would see a flash of pain when I said what I had to
say. But I resolved to never let go. "I can never be Suzanne."
Yes, there was that momentary hurt crossing his eyes. "I don't want
to be, and I'm not trying to replace her in your heart at all. But I
love you too, John. I have always loved your dedication to the
truth, your innate sense of ethics. I love the man that went out for
coffee and remembered our favorites without asking. I love your
practicality and the way you plan for the future without knowing what
it holds. I love that no one ever destroyed your sense of hope. I
love the man that braved his fear of hospitals to go to Scully when
Mulder needed you to. I love your brave heart, your silly insistence
on suits, and your attention to detail. I only hope I can give to
you the way you give so much to others. I love you, John Fitzgerald
Byers."" The smile spread slowly across his face as he drew me into a
deep hug. It was as if some of his pain from Suzanne leaked away and
he seemed so much more relaxed. I pulled away after a few minutes
and smiled into his eyes.
I will never forget the look on Langly's face as I went towards him,
as I sat in front of him on the floor. Deer in the headlights is
mild compared to the fear in his eyes. He was acting stoic, but I
could smell the nervousness coming off him in waves. I had just gone
from buddy to potential lover in a few seconds, and he was having
trouble dealing with the fact that a woman actually wanted him. I
sat there for a few minutes until he seemed to calm a little. I
didn't touch him yet, not wanting him to bolt. I kept my voice calm
and soft. "You're not a geek." I think he gasped a little. "You're
not a dork, you're not a four-eyed hippie freak, you're not a
socially inept, romantically deficient metal head." His eyes were
wide behind the black frames. "I know you thought you'd probably die
a virgin, and that you think computers are much safer than people. I
also love the man behind that mask. I love and appreciate the way
you distance yourself, not because you're afraid of hurting anyone,
but because you're afraid of hurting them. But the real you shines
through. I remember how you fixed my laptop one time. You had
overheard that I missed having a garden to grow lilies in like I had
back in California, so you returned my laptop with garden wallpaper
and lily icons. That meant a lot to me. I love the man that held my
hair out of the way when I got sick on bad Chinese food, because you
didn't want me to get my hair messed up. I love the man who believed
in innocent joy like the Cap'n Toby show and vindicated his childhood
hero. I love the man that thinks of his friends and get them a beer
when he gets up without being asked." I leaned a little closer. "I
love the triumphant smile when your hacking goes well. I love how
your eyes remind me of the ocean. I love the smell of your hair when
I lean close to see what you're typing." I leaned even closer,
keeping his eyes on mine. "I love you, Richard Langly." His eyes
were wide with shock when I lightly kissed him. Nothing earth-
shattering, but maybe rocking his world a little. I'd be willing to
bet no one had done that before. No way was I going to let this
tiger die a virgin. I moved away slowly and got back in my chair. I
didn't speak, knowing that someone would fill the silence for me.
Amazingly, Frohike spoke first. "I can't speak for them, Rachel,
but…" He couldn't quite look at me yet while he spoke. "I think you
just put a name to what I've felt. We've been so comfortable around
you that I never consciously thought about why I always wanted to
protect you. I thought it was maybe a fatherly thing, but you're
right. I don't feel like your father. I think Byers is right, we
should take this slow. I think we all need to agree that whatever
comes up we talk about it. We can't afford to have any hidden
resentments, any feelings of being forced to do something. If we're
uncomfortable we need to have the right to say no and be left
alone." The others nodded vigorously and made sounds of assent.
"I wouldn't expect any less. I want us to feel honest with each
other. If someone wants to kiss someone good morning, or hug them,
or whatever, they can feel free to do so. And if anything makes
someone uncomfortable, they need to know that they can say they're
not ready and it's still ok." I took a drink. "I know you guys were
all raised straight, and so was I. But I know you care about each
other very much. You were together long before I knew you. Even if
it never becomes sexual, I think it would be freeing if you can
express that caring openly. I know it's not going to be easy, and
we'll still have fights and disagreements. We're only human. But I
don't want this to just be a woman with three men. I want this to be
four people who are a family. You are my family." Byers was
blushing again. I looked over at Langly. "What say you, Lord
Manhammer?"
He was even paler than normal, if that was possible. Still a little
scared, he stammered a little. "I… I never thought a normal woman
would want me." My heart shook, knowing what it cost him to say that
in front of everyone. I grinned like a Cheshire cat.
"Well, now you can think it everyday. I don't know if I would call
myself normal, but I do want you." He actually gasped out loud this
time.
........part 2 next