TITLE: The Long Gunmen
RATING: PG-13, minor language
DISTRIBUTION: DO ARCHIVE, but please tell me where at.
DISCLAIMER: Carter, Gilligan, Shiban, Spotnitz ... did you love them as
much as we do? I own Randi, but the others are owned by those great
men. Thanks for letting me play with them.
The Long Gunmen
"Hey guys," Langly yelled as he hung up the phone. "I am taking the van
tonight. There is going to be a box delivered by FedEx. I am not sure
when it will arrive, but watch for it." The long-haired man didn't wait for
an answer from the rest of the Lone Gunmen or Mulder. He went to the door,
unlocked all the locks and went out.
The rest of the Lone Gunmen came out of the TV area with Ex-FBI Agent
Fox Mulder. Frohike looked just as amused as Mulder, but Byers and
Jimmy appeared looked lost and confused.
The same thing caused the amusement and confusion. Mulder had received
his weekly shipment of porno movies and he found an extra video in the box,
a video titled ‘The Long Gunmen'. It had actors on the cover that looked
just like the Lone Gunmen. Langly was called Hungly. Byers was called
Bytehers. Frohike was called Forhickies and poor Jimmy Bond was called Balls.
Guess they couldn't come up with anything better for him.
Mulder brought the tape over to the guys as soon as he was done
watching it and making his own copy of it. Though there was no way he was going to
admit to making a copy. Byers and Jimmy both looked like they were going to
die of embarrassment. So the ex-FBI agent was pretty sure those two would kill
him over the copy he made. Mulder just kept smiling.
"It was great," said Frohike. "I can tell you everything is possible,
and a whole lot more, too." He seemed to love the movie.
"How the hell did we end up as a subject of a porno movie?!" Asked
Byers. That's what I want to know?" His face was that deep red shade. He had
stayed that way all through the movie. "Can't we sue someone over this?!"
"Oh, Byers, stop being the Scout Master. You and the Cub Scout are
freaking over nothing," said Frohike.
"They didn't ask us to use our likeness or anything else, Frohike.
We can sue can't we, Mulder?" asked Jimmy. Everyone looked at the man.
He asked a good question.
"Well, yes you can, BUT if you do, you could be drawing more attention
to the video then you really want to," said Mulder.
"We have to find out about the company that made this movie
and go from there," Frohike as they moved over to a workstation with
"Hey!" said Jimmy. "The phone recorder is on. Does anyone remember
leaving it on?" Everyone looked straight at the man-child."No, I didn't.
Frohike answered the phone when Mulder called to say he was coming over today.
So it isn't my fault."
"Well, I know I turned it off after Mulder called," said Frohike.
"Maybe Langly did it when he walked out of the movie?" He walked over to the
recorder and turned it off and hit the rewind button. It took a couple
of seconds to get back to the beginning. Hitting the play button, they
waited to hear what was on the tape.
There was an odd sound just at the beginning of the tape. Then a phone
started to ring.
"Omega, Captain Oblee speaking," said a woman's voice.
"Where did you get the video?" said Langly's voice.
"Oh, Mulder got the video, good. I am glad he was able to get
it to you, Ringo," said the woman.
"Randi, where did you find that video? Langly asked again.
"I was with a couple of friends and we stopped at an adult bookstore.
While they were looking at other things, I wandered over to the videos. I saw
the cover of it and almost fell over with laughter. Nice looking bunch of
actors, but not as cute as the real Lone Gunmen," Randi said.
"Did you watch it?" asked Langly.
"Yes," said Randy.
"Why?" asked Langly.
"To see what they did to you and your friends, of course." Randi
started to laugh. "I sure didn't watch it to get turned on, Ringo. I'll wanted
to know how it affected you personally. So do you think Hungly was a
service to you or not?" She used the name from the movie to make him laugh. It
worked. The man started laughing.
"Stop that, this is serious," said Langly. "How many times did you
That made Randi laugh more. "Oh come on Ringo. Do you really want me to
answer that one? Do you?"
"Yes, Randina. I do. How many times did you watch it?" Langly sounded
"OK, Ringo. I watched it twice. I went into shock during the first
time. I never would have thought of you guys as porno material, but I guess you
are. I bet you, your Mr. Byers and Bond have had a heart attack by now. Your
Mr. Frohike must be in 7th heaven over it. Hey! Are your friends as well hung as
those guys in the movie?" Asked Randi with laughter.
"Hey!" Throw in Frohike, "Why wouldn't we be porno material?! I
thought we were great at the bumping and grinding in that movie. The women were
very hot and tasty too."
"Shut up, Frohike, I want to hear what is on the tape," said Byers.
"Randina Chegwidden Oblee, I wouldn't answer that even if I did know! I
don't see the guys naked if I can help it!" said Langly with surprise in his
"Why not?? I've seen my people naked before. I just assumed that you
would have by now, too." She started to laugh again. Getting a razz out of
Richard Langly was way too easy for her to do.
"You would, Randi. Have you done any checking on the video?" asked
"Yea, I did. Let me pull the stuff back up on the computer. Look, I
sent you all the info I found. I FedEx-ed the box to you this morning, Langly,
so watch for it. Tell your friends that it's coming too. Don't want them
to have another heart attack over it. Hang on a second." There was pause
from the woman. "Thank you Lt." He heard he say in the background. "OK, I am
back. Crap! I hate this job sometime. I was just told I was leaving the
country in three days," said Randi.
"I thought you were still on medical leave?" asked Langly, sounding
"I am, but they are still sending me out with a couple of my guys. They
will be babying me more then anything else. I just get to watch some people
for a couple of days with Cal and Tess. We get to go sight seeing in Rome.
What fun. You want some souvenirs??"
"I wonder if she will bring us something back from Rome?" asked Jimmy.
"Shut up, Jimmy," said Frohike.
"Sure, why not. You promise to be careful?" asked Langly still sounding
"Yes, Mother Langly. I will. It's not a ‘search-and-destroy', Ringo.
It's a ‘look-and- see-what-we-can-see'. I get to take my camera, not my gun.
OK?" said Randi. "Anyway, Ringo, back to what we were talking about before
we were interrupted. The director's name is Tyler Bowrun. His office is in
Sunny L.A. He's directed a string of skin flicks with, and you'll the
love these names, The X-Slut with FBI Special Agent Dana Slutty and her
partner Agent Fox Mustballs. There is a series of their cases of paraslutables.
If you get the drift of that one."
"Uh, Randi please tell me you are making this up on Scully and Mulder?"
said Langly. He was sounding nervous again.
"WHAT?!" said Mulder? "Play that again."
Frohike stopped the tape and played the last part again. Stopping it
again so could talk about it. "Special Agent Scully is part of other porno
films. This is wrong! We have to do something to protect Scully from this
"I can't believe this," said Mulder. "Scully will freak and then hunt
down these people and hurt them. She won't take this laying down. It could
be fun to watch, but we do have to keep it from her, if we can."
Frohike started the tape again.
"Oh, baby cakes, I wish I was," Randi started to laugh again. "Do you
want the names of all the X-Slut videos out there? I could give you all the
titles here on the phone, but they will be in the box with the rest of
the stuff. Are you waiting with baited breath on the producer's name??
It's Morley Jones. He is making very big bucks off these movies. They are
sold in Europe and Asia, so I have no idea how the videos got into that store
in Falls Church, Virginia. Oh before I forget, I bought 6 of those videos.
Some red headed woman was in an hour before I got there and bought the
other one. So someone out there has one, Ringo. You better tell your friends
to be on the look out for a ‘fan' of the Long Gunmen. The distributors are Le
monde appartient à nous, which is French for ‘The world belongs to us'.
Just to throw that at you. I have found nothing on this group. I have hit a
brick wall on it. So I slipped into my ‘Black-OPS' mode and did some checking
around. Ringo, you don't want to mess around with this group. They own
a whole lot of things, and there's next to nothing on these guys. I
would give them a wide berth to them. You guys do what you want with the
info, once you get it."
"Hmm," said Langly. He lost himself in thought for a second or two.
"Randi, can you get anything else on these people with that special
Hoo-Doo-Voo- Doo that you do? I think you are right about these
people, that we better be careful with them. I will talk it over with the
guys. I want them to know everything about this. Hey, we might even get a
story out of it. You never know." Langly stopped talking for a second.
"Randi are we still on for tonight?"
"Sure, if you are still up for having the cave all to ourselves. The
Hobgoblins are in Baltimore with their ‘Father' this weekend," said the
"You finally get your kids altogether to live with you, and then you
send them away to be with their fake Father?! What the hell is with that
one, Randina?" asked Langly.
"Hey, don't use that tone with me, young man. I didn't ship them off.
Tim asked if he could take them for the weekend. Plus, he isn't their fake
Father. He is the Father the kids can count on. I asked you when I had
Sarah and Jon if you wanted to be a father figure to them, and you said
no. Tim jumped at the chance to do it. He may be a cop, but at least he is
there for the kids," said Randi. She hated it when Ringo started in on her
about the kids not being with her. He knew that she sent the twins away for
protection from their actual Father, who was a crazy killer. If he knew
Jonathan was out there, he would have come looking for the child.
"Sorry, you know how much I care about Sarah, Jamie and Jon. I may not
be their Father, but I do love them as if they were mine. I get crazy when
I think you are dumping them on Tim." Said Langly. He did sound sorry.
"I know that, Ringo. They are my kids. They are at the top of my list
on everything, OK? I am not dumping them on people just to get rid of
them. If you still want to come over, that is fine. Do you want me to come
up and get you?" asked the woman. She sounded calmer.
"No, I will take the van and come down and get you. I love coming on
the base to get you. The Shore Patrol never knows how to react with me."
Ringo started to laugh. "Hey Randi, I meant to ask you a question."
"Hit me." Said the woman.
"How did you get the video into Mulder's porno order if you had it with
you???" asked Langly.
Randi started to laugh, "Oh, Langly, if I told you how I do all my
Voo-Doo you would tell Mulder I am a half little green man and he would drive
me crazy with questions."
"Oh yea, I forgot about the little green man thing. Plus, they are
gray men, not green," said Langly. He started to laugh too.
"Well, from the part of the cosmos my family is from, they are green.
Ringo, I can't believe I am still teasing you with this crap. We haven't grown
up, have we?" said Randi.
"Well it looks like we haven't. I will tell the guys I am leaving with
the van. I will see you in a bit then?" said Langly.
"OK, I will finish my work by the time you get here. Hey, do we want
any ice cream tonight?" Randi started to laugh. "Hey, are you talking to those
guys nicely yet? I will kick you tush if you aren't. I like your friends.
Though for being mean to them, they may want to kick my tush. Oh well,
that is what Mr. Frohike gets for having a nose problem that night." She
laughed. "As long as I stay out of their sight for awhile, then we
should be ok, I think."
"Don't worry about it." Said Langly. "Yes, I am talking to them nicely.
I've been saying more than one or two words to them at a time. OK? They
are my family, Randi. We get mad at each other and then it blows off. We do
the same thing and you know it," said Langly.
"Yea, Ringo, I do. So hang up the phone and get your cute tush down
here, would you? Be nice to the Shore Patrol. They are going to shoot you
one of these days." Said Randi with a laugh.
"Why , those gun totting sailor boys don't scare me," said Langly.
"Whether they are Sailors or Marines, they will shoot you if you are a
pain. Just be nice to them. Maybe I should wait for you outside the fence.
It would be safer." Said the woman.
"Randi, I will behave, I promise. Just wait for me at the office. I
will leave right now. Hey, Randi?" said Langly.
"Yea?" said the Naval officer.
"How about those Hawks?" Said Langly so sweetly.
"I know, and how about those Hawks to you? Now get your tush down here
now I need a kiss from you," said the woman.
"Gone," said the man and hung up the phone.
"What the hell was all of that?" asked Mulder.
"Langly has a girlfriend. She is in the Navy. Byers and I meet her once
a long time ago and when we saw her again couple of weeks ago, we
couldn't remember her name. At least we know what it is now. I wonder how she
did get that video in your box of porno?" said Frohike.
"Do you think she is an alien from another planet? Asked Jimmy. The
other men looked at the man-child as if he finally lost what was left of his
"Jimmy, does she look like she is an alien from another planet?" asked
"No, but she could be able to change herself back and forth from alien
to human like the bounty hunter," said Jimmy.
"I guess we will have to wait until the box gets here to see what it is
she sent us. Now we all have out own copies of the video," said Frohike.
"NO! Those things are getting locked up," said Byers. "Once they are
we lock them up, and I am keeping the only key. I mean it Frohike.
Locked up. We are keeping that copy too, Mulder."
"That is fine, Byers," said Mulder. Inside he smile secretly. He had a
copy of it at his place. "So, should we start checking on the net and see
what else we can find?"
"Sounds good," said Frohike.
Byers launched onto the net, when the phone rang.
Frohike turned on the recorder and answered the phone, "Lone Gunman
newspaper group, Frohike speaking."
"Hello Frohike, this is Special Agent Dana Scully," said the woman.
"Well hello there, lovely lady. How can I help you?" asked Frohike with
a big smile on his face.
"Can you put me on the speaker? I want to talk to all of you," said the
"Sure." Frohike hit the button on the phone. "We are all on, expect for
Langly. Mulder is here too."
"Oh good," said Scully. "Several days ago I found a video that I think
you should know about."
"You bought the LONG GUNMEN video, Scully? Yelled Byers in shock and
"Yes, I did Bytehers!" said Scully with a laugh.