Title: Things Undone 5: Snipe Hunt (18/24)
Authors: Erynn and Sally
Archive: Ephemeral, Gossamer, LGM, FLO, all others ask first.
Rated: R for grownup stuff
Spoilers: We assume you've seen the series. There are some slight spoilers
for the LGM Pilot. This little Gunmenverse takes off from the main line of
the X Files canon universe after 3oaK but before FPS (which happens in this
timeline in early May).
Disclaimers: You know who really owns these guys and the other XF
characters. It ain't us, much as we'd like to. Some characters are blatantly
based on our friends. They made us. (BTW, you guys, you can put down the
red-hot pokers now) Others, we just made up for our amusement. Chapter
opening quotes used without permission. Remember, love not money is the
motivator here -- like anybody would ever pay us for this stuff.
Category: Gunmen action/adventure, humor, angst, a little Langly romance,
and a budding friendship.
Keywords: Lone Gunmen
Summary: It's hacker season. Do you know where your computer is?
Stories in the Things Undone series:
Things Undone, by Erynn; a 5-part story wherein the Gunmen deal with some
TU 2: Mending the Tears, by Sally; a 6-part story wherein Fro and Langly go
to the ER.
TU 3: To Carry On, by Erynn; a vignette wherein the Gunmen begin to deal
with the repercussions of their adventure.
TU 4: Alchemy of the Word, by Erynn and Sally; a 17 chapter novella wherein
words are more important than they seem, and Byers starts to get a life.
If you haven't read them, you may be confused here.
Sally say: Special thanks to pigs in slop. We only want you to be happy.
Erynn say: I never thought Things Undone would turn into its own little
universe, but it's been a hell of a lot of fun writing with Sally. Thanks to
all of you folks who have been enjoying the story and encouraging us to
write more. You're the greatest.
"You tilt your head, laughing,
as if, 'I know the trick you're hatching,
but go ahead.'"
~~Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks -- The Essential Rumi ~~
SUNDAY, APRIL 4, 2000
LONE GUNMEN HQ
I can't believe what just happened here. Thank god everyone's gone now --
except Sari, who has rather inconveniently locked herself into my room. Why
couldn't she have used Frohike's? Right, I forgot; she has standards. There
will be revenge against my so-called 'friends,' I just don't know what it
will be yet. A slow, painful death is too good for them. At the moment,
though, I have to try to find something to say to Sari. Although we've
discussed the subject of Langly and Frohike's misapprehensions about our
friendship, and Sari's told them both point blank that another harassing
incident would result in the ripping of a matched set of new assholes, they
were unwittingly aided and abetted in their immaturity by Sari's own sister.
While Sari and I know where we stand, neither of us had intended to have it
bared to the world in quite that way. I don't think I've ever been angrier
with the guys in the entire time I've been with them. I had nearly an hour
to try to collect myself before Frohike came in to make his lame attempt at
apology, but the time had hardly made a dent, and I honestly did have a
strong urge to break the bastard's bones.
In answer to my quiet knock on the bedroom door, Sari shouts something in
the same language she was bellowing at her sister. "Sari, they're gone. It's
"Why didn't you do anything to warn me? Are you really just as much of a
shit as your two roomies, John?" Ouch.
"I tried to warn you. As soon as I figured out what was happening, I tried
to say something, but Langly and Frohike grabbed me, and Frohike practically
suffocated me to keep me from making noise."
"What, and you didn't bite his fingers off?"
"I tried that, too. He got me before I got my mouth open." I hear a click as
the door unlocks and Sari's face appears. Her eyes are red and her face is
wet from crying. I see the Cardinal poking his nose warily out from under my
"I don't think I've ever been quite so humiliated in my life," she says.
"It was no tiptoe through the tulips for me, either."
"So what are we going to do for our revenge?" A wily grin splits her tear
stained face, and her eyes narrow. I never suspected that she might have an
evil streak like this in her, but I find it quite delightful. She always
seems capable of surprising me, and I find it quite intriguing.
I have to pause to think for a moment. "I'm not sure yet, but we'll think of
She says, "come with me, I think I've got an idea."
Half an hour later, the extent of her capacity for diabolic childishness,
and my own, has been deeply explored. Langly's bed has been short-sheeted,
the lower half of the new sheets coated in chocolate pudding, and the entire
interior liberally spread with breadcrumbs. Crinkly tinfoil has been slid
into the pillowcases. Every light bulb in the room has been unscrewed enough
that it flickers in an annoying, headache inducing fashion. I've also hidden
a microphone in his room that feeds into a tape recorder in mine so that
Sari and I can enjoy the results of our plotting when he and Deborah attempt
to get into bed. I haven't had this much fun in a long time.
For Frohike, we've hidden every single bit of medication that might possibly
reduce the pain of the hangover he's certain to have later. I plan on
subjecting him to the hand in a bucket of warm water treatment once he's
passed out. Sari suggested flossing him into bed, but that really only works
successfully on someone inhabiting the top rack on a bunk bed, so we've
passed on that idea. But we're just about done hauling his entire collection
of blue videos out to the back of her car, where they'll make a trip to a
storage unit for most of the next week. I never realized just how many of
the damned things he has around the place. They weren't just in his locked
video cabinets. I found a dozen or so more in his closet, and four or five
under his bed and in the drawer next to it. We didn't find any dropped under
the furniture in the TV room, or anywhere else in the office -- although we
did find one surveillance video that turned out to be some foggy shower
footage of Agent Scully dated about two weeks ago buried in the back of the
safe. That one will get couriered to her tomorrow morning with a note
telling her that Frohike had hidden it but I thought it would be safer in
her hands. I had no idea he'd bugged her shower. That's really low, even for
him. And the best part of it is, I can sit back and watch Scully deal with
my mutant roommate, saving me an immense amount of effort.
Wešre both giggling like little kids by the time we've hauled the last load
of tapes out to Sari's car. "I think this calls for a late lunch, once we've
dropped off the tapes and the Cardinal," she suggests.
"I agree. Thai?" I'm in the mood for something Asian. She smiles broadly at
me, the stresses from this morning set aside for the moment. We'll worry
about Pinck and Black Widow later.
"You're a man after my own heart, John. I could really use something spicy
right about now. I'm thinking a nice, rich red coconut basil curry and some
mushroom tom ka would hit the spot. And I know the perfect vegetarian Thai
place, too." Sunglasses on to ease the bright April sunlight, I buckle into
the passenger seat and we're off for a peaceful afternoon of good food and
pleasant conversation. Five star spicing, here we come.
LONE GUNMEN HQ
We just got back from pigging out at Victoria Station. I'm glad Deb's a
carnivore. Never could understand women who eat a lettuce leaf and a cracker
and call it dinner. And no wimpy white wine spritzers for my girl either. We
put away about a six-pack of draft Anchor Steam, the best beer in the known
universe. The food was great, and she looks real hot licking the barbecue
sauce off her fingers. Makes me wonder if I should grab some of that
chocolate pudding from the fridge and see if she'd lick it off me. Byers and
Sari are in the TV room at the moment. I'm kinda nervous about seeing them,
but might as well get it over with. I'm prepared to get my head bit off.
"He's kinda touchy sometimes," I warn Deb, making what has to be the
understatement of the year, "but he's probably cooled down by now." I hope,
but I'm doubtful. Byers takes a long time to get pissed, but once he's
there, bringing him back to reality takes twice as long, so I'm kind of
shocked when I stick my head in and they both greet me and Deb pretty
"How was the movie, guys?" Byers asks us. Oh yeah, that's right. We went to
"Quick, what'd we see?" I whisper to Deb.
"Uh... I think it was 'Mission to Mars,'" Deb says, looking kind of
embarrassed. So what. We had a lot more fun doing our own x-rated live
private video in the back row. God, Deb has such a hot tongue... I never got
treated like that in a theater before. She said she'd never done it there
either, but hey, sometimes there's nothing like the first time.
Sari smiles at us. "Did you like it?" Like she cares; not like she'd ever
watch that kind of movie anyway. Right now she's watching this French movie.
Byers is sitting next to her -- got his eyes closed 'cause he's not supposed
to watch yet, but it doesn't matter, he speaks French. She's describing the
action to him as we talk. I mean, I got no problem with foreign films,
really. Some people say they never get it, but I mean, look at Godzilla:
'large reptile stomps metropolitan Tokyo.' Hardly inaccessible. Problem with
the movies Byers watches is, nobody ever looks like they're having any fun.
"Uh... yeah," Deb says. Poor sweetie. She's a doctor, yeah, but underneath
it all, she's a nice Catholic school girl from New Orleans. They say that
Catholic girls are hot, and I think she proved that beyond any shadow of a
doubt this afternoon.
"Um, we're like kinda tired," I tell Byers, and that is, believe it or not,
the truth. I haven't gotten much sleep lately, and Deb's still got catching
up to do. Our massive early dinner did make us kind of drowsy, but we were
thinking we need to work off some of those calories, and we've got an
exercise program all planned. When the waiter asked if we wanted dessert,
Deb just licked her lips and said we'd have it at home. I told him to just
bring the check, stat. "Like, where's Doohickey?"
"He said something about needing a drink," Byers says, leaning back into
Sari and resting his head on her shoulder. She puts her arm around him so
they can both get comfy. I'm not gonna say anything, I'm really not. I mean,
Sari's done this with me, for Christ's sake. Still, she did say Byers was
hot, and if he missed that, I swear his nads have shriveled up and died.
Knowing that Frohike's most likely off in some bar doesn't make me feel all
warm and fuzzy, though. He's supposed to be at Sierra tomorrow morning to
finish up our work there, and if he thinks I'm getting out of my warm, comfy
bed while he lies around on his hung over ass, he's got another thing
"C'mon, honey," Deb says in that delightful N'Awlins drawl. God, I love her
accent, and it really comes out after she's got a few beers in her. Just
that accent by itself could get me hot, if other things weren't getting a
head start on the process already. "Let's go lie down." And that's just the
start of things, isn't it? We lock the door behind us and start ripping off
each other's clothes. Well, okay, maybe not ripping -- Deb knows how I feel
about my Ramones T-shirt. And why would I ruin hers that says, 'Worship Me
for the Goddess I Am'? I do, after all. Especially what's underneath the
T-shirt. Oh baby, she has gorgeous tits, and she kisses so great I just
can't wait to crawl in between the sheets with her. Deb says she loves my
sheets. Gotta remember to thank Sari for that, she really knew what she was
doing. We pull back the covers and jump in bed, only to discover that our
feet won't go all the way down. This might not be a problem if you're a
midget like Frohike, but Deb and me, we're both like six feet tall, and this
means we have a problem. And my soft sheets feel... scratchy. Ugh. There's
bread crumbs in here.
"Ringo honey, there's... something... slimy down here." Deb pulls back her
foot and it's covered with this brown stuff. I immediately recognize it as
the chocolate pudding I thought about smearing on myself and having her eat
off me, but the pudding is stuck full of crumbs. Eew. Suddenly the idea of
sex with pudding has a lot less appeal. We both let out a shriek when we
realize why Byers and Sari were so damn nice to us. The bastards were busy
getting even with us the whole time. I never shoulda left them alone. Nah.
Then I wouldn't have gotten such a great blow at the movie. I guess we're
gonna have a romantic trip to the laundromat. I really know how to show a
girl a good time, don't I?
As soon as Ringo and Deborah were safely ensconced in his bedroom, John and
I stopped our movie and snuck into John's room, where he'd set up a tape
recorder to catch the play-by-play of them discovering our dastardly but oh
so delicious deeds of this afternoon. I feel like I should be doing a
Snidely Whiplash mustache twirl and a 'bwahahaha.' As we'd hoped, there's a
great deal of shrieking and indications of gross-out galore. Best of all,
before they discovered all this, they were buck naked, thus making the
results all the more delightful for us. We can barely contain ourselves as
we listen to the audio feed of the two of them cursing, struggling to remove
the bedding, and put on some clothes. John is laughing so hard, I'm afraid
he'll burst a blood vessel in his eye. Ringo and Deborah may want to kill us
in cold blood, but the way we feel right now, it would be worth it.
"Chocolate pudding: $3.49," John begins, struggling to speak as he's
laughing. "Loaf of bread: $2.39. Roll of aluminum foil: $3.79. Listening t0
your roommate freak after you've decimated his bed: priceless." I'm laughing
just as hard as he is. It sounds as if they've gotten the bed stripped and
themselves covered. They'd been planning for just the opposite, which makes
it all the more delightful. "Okay, they're coming out," John whispers as he
turns off the tape. He's wiping his eyes and trying to catch his breath, as
am I. If they see us like this, they'll know something's up. We head quickly
back to the TV room on little Cardinal Richelieu feet, just in time for the
two of them to reappear with two trash bags, no doubt containing the fouled
bedding. I notice that Ringo's T-shirt is inside out, but I'll skip the
commentary for now.
He stands there staring at us, scowling, but his expression mellows. They've
both left little squishy pudding footprints on the floor. Contrite, Ringo
speaks. "Okay, okay, we deserved that. We gotta go to the laundromat, I
think that's punishment enough." Deborah says nothing but looks repentant as
well. While she was not a direct offender, she was certainly an accomplice,
and from what John indicated, she was enjoying my not-so-private exchange
with the Magpie.
"Langly, you should really take care of those messy footprints," John says,
pointing at the shiny spots on the tile of the office space. Ringo groans
but complies. Before they take off, Deb actually apologizes, and I assure
her that there are no hard feelings. No, definitely no hard feelings. But as
soon as they're out the door, there's plenty of hard laughter. And the fun
has barely begun -- Dana won't get Mel's video until tomorrow morning.
Okay, I hadn't exactly planned on spending tonight in a coin op laundry, but
we pretty much had the place to ourselves, which meant our PDAs didn't have
to be too terribly restrained. We did stay dressed, but that's about it. I
never had so much fun washing clothes. Once the sheets are all fluffy and
clean again, we head on back to Ringo's. Sari's gone when we get there; I'm
sure she's got a long day ahead of her tomorrow. I know that drill. I'm
enjoying my vacation to an obscene degree this week. Ringo is contributing
much to the obscene part. His practical-joking roomie Byers is still up,
listening to Glenn Miller and lying on the sofa when we come in. He looks a
bit tired. This doesn't surprise me. It takes lots of energy to plan and
execute a good practical joke. I should know. "Don't you have a follow up
appointment tomorrow morning?" I ask him.
"Yes, I do. Langly, my appointment's at 11."
"Jesus, I gotta get up at the crack of 10? You got no heart, Byers." I
giggle. I offer to do his eye medications, and having done that, I send him
off to bed, so that I can send my love and I off to bed, too. This time,
it's absolutely delicious to climb in between the sheets, still slightly
warm from the dryer, and snuggle up next to my sweetie's bare flesh. He's so
warm, so wonderful. I've only been here three nights, and I'm absolutely
addicted to sharing a bed with him. I think he's feeling the same way, if
his actions are any indication.
"At least now the bed feels good," I whisper, blowing in his ear.
"Well, we're probably lucky that's all they did," Ringo says dreamily. "They
coulda been a lot worse."
"Oh, like how?"
"Well, they coulda put hidden video or audio in here... wait a minute." He
leaps out of the bed, still naked, and grabs for a device on top of the
bureau. He sweeps it over the room, and when he puts it up to the head of
the bed, it beeps. He pries something small from behind the headboard,
frowns, motions to me that he'll be right back, pulls on his sweat pants,
and runs out of the room. Oh no, what's he going to do now?
end part 18
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