TOMMY LEE JONES (As you’ve never heard him before!)
Editor: Mr. Jones, thank you for agreeing to this interview.
Tommy Lee Jones: Aww, call me Tommy.
E: OK. Tommy, thank you for agreeing to this interview.
T: It’s my pleasure, really. I like you.
E: I like you too, Tommy. I’d like to get right to the good stuff.
T: Yes, I’m married, but I can get a quickie divorce.
E: No, I’d liked to ask you about Harrison Ford.
T: Oh, him. OK, shoot.
E: Well, what do you think of him?
T: I think he’s a jerk.
E: Could you elaborate?
T: I could, but will I?
E: (sigh) Tommy, will you please elaborate on your previous statement about Harrison Ford?
T: For you, sure I will. There’s just something about him that I don’t like. When we were making “The Fugitive,” he told me he thought that I compromised my job as an actor by appearing on “One Life to Live.” He said I give actors a bad name. Well, I told him I thought Bob Falfa was a geek. Then he said Doolittle Lynn was mean. Then I said Han Solo was…
E: OK. Does Harrison’s hair look bad all the time?
T: It sure does. I’ve never seen hair that looked so God-awful. I mean, he’s got enough money, why can’t he get himself a decent hairdo? Kramer has better hair. Heh-heh, the big geek will really be mad at me now.
E: Tommy, will you thank Harrison if you win the Best Supporting Actor Oscar this month?
T: Hell no! Why would I thank that schmuck for anything? Wait, actually, I could thank him for taking the wussy part in the movie, considering with his name, he could’ve taken either part.
E: So, will you be thanking him?
T: Uh, no. I don’t think so. Why drag him into my time of glory? He had his chance with “Witness,” but lost. Probably because he was such a God-awful singer and dancer. It’s a good thing he wasn’t around to try for the Gene Kelly part in “Singing in the Rain.” He would have desecrated the whole flick!
E: Tommy, let’s move onto new territory.
T: But all the territory in the U.S. has been settled.
E: I meant, let’s talk about something else.
E: Were you disappointed when you lost to Jack Palance a few years ago at the Oscars?
T: Yup. I sure was. But he’s old and he did make a lot of movies, so I guess he deserved it.
E: How nice of you to say.
T: Yeah, well how many people will be receiving this issue?
E: I don’t know.
E: What’s Sissy Spacek like? You worked with her in “Coal Miner’s Daughter” and “JFK.”
T: She’s really nice. Talented too. I guess they almost cast Mike Nesmith in my role, but she talked them out of it. I owe her a lot.
T: Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. Hee, hee, hee, hee. Ha, ha, ha, ha!
E: You think it’s funny?
T: Yeah, he looks like a monkey!
E: Well, he was a Monkee.
T: He was? Did he have some sort of operation?
E: No, he was in the group, the Monkees, from the Sixties. You were around then.
T: Oh yeah, I remember them. They were pretty lame.
E: Tommy! The publisher of CQ is a huge Monkees fan!
T: So? I’m not.
E: OK. Why do you think this picture of Mike Nesmith is so funny, besides the fact that you think he looks like a monkey?
T: Well, he looks like he’s trying to be a fashion model or something. And it ain’t working! (doubles over with laughter)
E: Tommy, Mike Nesmith is very rich and talented.
T: Well, so am I. What’s your point?
E: My point is that you shouldn’t make fun of him.
T: Why, is he your husband or something?
E: Ex-husband, actually. His alimony is paying for this publication.
T: Oh. Well, gee, he’s a great guy. The greatest guy in the world. I really love his music and his taste in fashion.
E: You’ve given us permission to allow a segment on Harrison Ford’s upcoming exercise video. Have you seen it?
T: Yeah, and it sucks.
E: What’s wrong with it? Is it unsafe?
T: I don’t know. If he’s in it, it must suck.
E: But he was in “The Fugitive.”
T: But so was I, and I cancelled out his suckiness.
T: Yeah. Like discoey. There are all these great new words out now.
E: OK. I’d like to ask you some fun questions now.
T: But I was already having fun.
E: Well, this will be funner.
T: Funner? I hadn’t heard that one yet. Let me write that down.
E: If you could have replaced Harrison Ford in any of his movies, which one would it have been and why?
T: Hmmmmm. I think it would have to be Indiana Jones because I look better in a hat and I know how to spell Neolithic.
E: If you could have been in any musical, which one would it have been and why?
T: That would have been “Grease” because I can hand jive.
E: Thank you Tommy. This truly has been an enlightening interview.
T: It’s over already? This is the best interview I’ve ever had. I’ll miss you.
E: I’ll miss you, too.
Copyright © 1994 by SJG. All rights reserved.
NOTE: This is a joke interview – nothing in here was stated by Tommy Lee Jones. Please do not take anything seriously.