Weird Al: The CQ Interview
By: Sammajean
XXXXX: Hi! Thanks for sitting down for the first interview with the revived and revamped Cucumber Quarterly Magazine! You will be on the cover!
Weird Al: Thanks! WOW! I must say I am honored to be chosen for an interview for this legendary magazine. Did you choose me because of my, um, cucumber?
X: Not exactly. We selected you because you HAVE a cucumber. That’s the basic criterion. Oh, and because Tommy Shaw was busy. Oh, and because my sister thinks you’re hot.
W: She’s weird!
X: Yes, she is. Speaking of weird, should I call you Weird, Weird Al, Al, Alfred…
W: You can call me Al.
X: Can I be your bodyguard?
W: Excuse me?
X: Nevermind.
W: Oh well. Whatever.
X: Let’s get this interview rolling. Al, why did you change your look so drastically? You look so much younger now than you did when you had the mustache, shorter hair and glasses.
W: All accidents! The razor slipped, my hairstylist left town and they did the laser eye surgery on me instead of the next patient by mistake.
X: Um, didn’t you notice something was wrong?
W: Yeah.
X: Why didn’t you say something?
W: Because I was too shy.
X: Hush hush?
W: What?
X: Nevermind.
W: Oh well. Whatever.
X: Well, are you happy with the results? Do you feel like a new man?
W: More chicks named Christine are interested in me now. But now I can’t play Magnum, P.I. in the remake since I shaved my mustache.
X: Can’t you just grow another one?
W: I don’t think so. I had that laser hair removal done.
X: I thought you said you had laser eye surgery.
W: Oh yeah. Oh well. Whatever. Nevermind. I guess I can still audition!
X: Okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…
W: What? Don’t you think I’ll get the role?
X: Well…
W: You don’t think I’m capable of filling Tom Selleck’s shoes?
X: Ummmmmmmmm…
W: Tell me!
X: To be honest, you look nothing like Tom Selleck aside from your Hawaiian shirts.
W: I don’t?
X: No.
W: Oh. Well, maybe I can play Higgins then. Or TC! Or Rick! Or Icepick! Or Tanaka!
X: I don’t think so. Let’s talk about something else. Who is your biggest
fan?
W: I hear it’s some married lady named Angela from Buffalo, NY. Get this: she traveled to St. Louis to see me, got her attorney friend to get her backstage, met me, had me sign some stuff and then showed up at the concert in North Tonawanda, NY! What a stalker!
X: That doesn’t sound like stalking to me. She was visiting her friend in
St. Louis, and she lives near North Tonawanda.
W: Oh. Well, she’s still weird.
X: That she is. She’s my sister.
W: Oh, well, that makes you weird by association. (looks around suspiciously) Is she here? Is she stalking me here? Where is she? Tell her I won’t sign anything else! Tell her…
X: Al, relax, she’s not here.
W: Oh, well, it would have been nice to see her again.
X: But…
W: Do you like Rick Springfield?
X: Yes…
W: I hear he’s going to be playing in North Tonawanda this weekend. I’m bummed that I’m gonna miss that show.
X: Al, why do you spit so much while singing?
W: I spit?
X: Copious amounts during the whole show.
W: C’mon! I do not! You’re foolin’!
X: No, you spit a lot.
W: It’s news to me.
X: Where do you get parody ideas?
W: I find them on eBay.
X: What?
W: Yeah. Sometimes I have to snipe to win them, though. And I hate shill bidders … there’s this one called dec…
X: What’s your eBay ID?
W: Weirdal.
X: Makes sense.
W: My astrologer thinks so.
X: Oh boy. Al, thanks for your time today.
W: Wait a minute … aren’t you the one who OD’d on cheesecake while married to Johnny Depp? I thought you looked familiar! I thought you were dead!
X: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Thanks for stopping by the CQ offices, Al (tries to usher Al outside).
W: And you were married to Harrison Ford, Tommy Lee Jones, Michael Nesmith, Dean Cain, Kevin Costner…hey, where are you going? I’d like to get married someday so people won’t think I’m gay like George Michael…wait up!!!!
Copyright © August 1, 2000 by SJG. All rights reserved.
NOTE: This is a joke interview – nothing in here was stated by “Weird Al” Yankovic. Please do not take anything seriously.
Clever and funny. I don’t think Weird Al would mind. After all this time he’d have told you if so:)
John
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